When it just isn't there...
I am sitting here with time, but I don't have a lot to say. I am not sure why but life seems to be a lot like this lately. I almost feel like I have lost my voice but not my ability to dream. Perhaps, I am in a little rut this a.m. I woke up not feeling it so I cancelled my workout. Another shitty Sunday of sleep kicked me in the ass again. Then I followed that up meeting a surgeon about my potential hernia. The good news is there is no hernia. The bad news is the surgeon I had met before he was the weight loss surgeon, I had met a few years ago. He didn't remember me. He felt me up to see if there was a hernia, there was not. I guess I should feel like I got some. However, seeing him again made me sad and it makes me feel like I have about a million things I want to say and scream at the top of my lungs but it also makes me feel castrated. I am tired of being told I am young and I have a lot of ailments, aliments that could be fixed easily, with just the flip of a switch, it is magic we can make you all better.
That is the part that I struggle with the most. The fact people think I can be so easily fixed. Look, I am not sitting here saying I am so fucked up that I can not be fixed. I am not saying that what I have going on is so much worse than everyone else. However, don't you think if I could have just been poof magically fixed I would have done it already?
Oh I am so tired of hearing about commitment and will power. I willed myself and worked myself to 9 half marathons and parts of 9 tri's. So don't tell me about commitment and will power. Don't tell me I just need to focus and not cheat.
Also, don't tell me you can fix all that ails me with a nip and tuck.
I am not getting any younger and life is hard. Work sucks up a lot of my energy, more than I want it to. Being over 5 bills sucks up a lot. Twenty minute walks these days are Herculean efforts. As 50 once said death got to be easy because life is hard.
However, I can't stay in a negative space. I can't because I believe in the power of the tetrarch that I am part of. I left the doctors office and I wanted to find the comfort in being said and miserable. I even put on Bodies by Drowning Pool to get really into the negative psychosis but by the time I got half way to the office I had regular old Rock N Roll on b/c I wanted to feel better and rock out a little bit. Nothing like pulling into the office blaring Sweet Home Alabama and doing a sing along like you were playing in a band with some college mates.
So, I continue down my path. I continue to fight my fight. I continue to find believe in the system that I think will ultimately find me success. I mean after all I did spend a couple hours trying to make sure I stayed out of the fast food drive thrus and off door dash this week by doing some good old fashion meal planning. So, something has to be going right :)
Bell Peppers, and Turkey smoked sausage:
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