It got worse today and then... well... better =)

Tonight, dinner was Ice Cream.  Not too much, not too little, just the right amount.  Today was another rollercoaster of emotions.  It had all the makings of a day that I would come apart at the wheels.  However, sometimes, life will surprise you. 

I can’t say I got passed over.  I didn’t.  I can’t say that I was overlooked, but in theory, I was not.  However, on the same morning that I had to listen to historical death of the greatest of all Romans, Caesar Augustus, I was still feeling sad and small from the day before.  I am glad I will see my therapist on Monday because we have lots to talk about.  For all the things I have been inconsistent with seeing her, I never miss.  I am keeping a leg on the ground of my health. 

Anyway, even not being passed over, and not being overlooked it was hard not to feel that way.  I wasn’t included in something I didn’t even want to be included in, but not being asked greatly upset me.  It did make me feel like I felt all those years ago in Indiana and at Indiana.  It made me start asking those old questions if I was gone would anyone really miss me?  All the things you never want to admit that you have going on in your head or in your heart. 

Then just when everything was upside down and you knew the world couldn’t get any worse, you do something, and you see something, and you realize all the sudden, that it could.  You see something on Facebook, you wished you’d never seen.  You look at something and hope you had read it wrong.  However, you can never unsee what you have seen.

You find out that she has moved on.  You knew she had; you just knew it in your heart she had.  She had been in your dreams to tell you, but when you read it.   You can’t help it; your heart skips a beat.  The girl you once loved for so long, had gotten married.  That is when you know you are Kai Mai.  You are destiny’s fool.  You always had been.  When you feel like your worst fears all around you are caving in on you, and then boom, why not, see open wound, pour in salt, and really rub it in there.

The day today was more less an awful mix of being sad, being angry, and talking to anyone who would listen about whatever you wanted to say.  Whether it be an old friend telling you how stupid you are being.  A new friend telling you that she was there for you and had your back.  Or another friend trying to do super sleuth work for you and wondering how she even knew how any of this goes on, she is way smart, and you have mad respect for her stalking. 

Then in the end you end up being happy about it.  She got what she wanted.  She ended up with him after all this time, her and the man who had broken her, got back together and married.   For some reason a weight is lifted, because you are a dreamer.  Dreamers believe in one thing and one thing only and that is happy endings.  Even in this world of shit we live in, there can be happiness.  What Rachel said so long ago is true, she (The one you loved the one you created a blog for) was in your life to show you that you could be loved.  Mission accomplished.  Time to move on.  So, you turn to your blogs.  You launched a new on tonight.  You didn’t really launch it under your name, not that one, it is private and personal and just downright dirty, I mean most Dirty Deeds are. 

So, when nothing in the world sounds good, you get the good stuff.  Baskin Robbins, you eat it, you savor it, and you love every bite.  It is good.  You eat enough.  You don’t over do it.  You feel satisfied.  Two nights in a row when the cards where down you did it, you listened to your body.  You didn’t force in shit you didn’t want.  You did good kid, you did real good. 

You hope the vale will be lifted tomorrow.  It might be.  It might not be.  However, you know now that you can be strong and step up.  What matters is to hold the lines you want to hold.  Do the things you need to do.  Get back to doing that which you love the most and hold the most dear and that is writing.  Do it, do it well and do it the best you can do. 

Things are looking up today.  You go to bed a little proud of yourself, and your heart is not as heavy.  You deal with the hurt, and you say thank, thank you for making me feel.  I appreciate it and you get ready to make tomorrow be your day or the best day you can possibly have.

You know tomorrow will be better, because you are already better.  You have said you good byes now.  It is time to move on.  It is time for you to take your next step.  It is time for to go.